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Many A Winding Turn
Two years passed. All this time I was unable to drive. I discovered the first time that I tried that I couldn't focus on the task. If a bird flew by for instance, I would start watching it and forget that I needed to keep my eyes on the road. Living out in the country became a problem. My husband left for work early in the morning and came home around 5:30 or 6:00 at night. We had few neighbors, almost all of whom worked. No public transportation was available, including taxi service. I had to find someone to drive me to appointments, and it appeared that the possibilities of finding that person or persons was going to be very hard.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - "Mormon". I had always been one of the ones who took in the food, arranged for childcare, was one of the first to volunteer if someone needed a ride. I even taught "Compassionate Service" classes for years in Relief Society, (the woman's organization). However, the tables were now turned. I had never needed help before and now I did. It was one of the most humbling experiences I ever had, that of going to the Relief Society president and asking for help. She was wonderful. She arranged rides for me, up to 4 days a week for over two years. Since I couldn't stay for the usual three hours of meetings on Sundays, one of my sister's, (fellow member) offered to take me home after Sacrament Meeting. She regularly missed a part of Sunday school for years, but never complained.
My husband, in case you are wondering has not been active in the church for many years. He refused to take time out to take me to church as it was 12 miles one way and he said he had better things to do. He is not a bad man, and I love him dearly, but he had a very hard time accepting that I had some serious, debilitating injuries. A few months before my accident, just two months after he was married, our son was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It was caught early and he is cancer free, but my husband was affected more that anyone else by the illness of his only child. First he thought that he would die. Then, he was positive that we would never have any grandchildren. Something we both had hoped for for a long time. When just a few months later, I take my car off a cliff, it was just about all he could take. He had to face twice in a very short time that life can change in an instant, that people can die, even if they are young and healthy. I walked away with a gash on my head that was covered by my hair. No casts, no broken bones, hardly any bruises. Yet, I was claiming to be disabled, unable to do something as simple as read a recipe and cook a meal. It was had for him to take. It was easier for him to go into denial than to accept the truth. As time went on, he became more depressed. He claimed that he couldn't see any difference in me, that I was faking my head injury, that no doctor had told him that I had one. He chose to ignore that he refused to see any of my doctors, so of course they couldn't tell him about my injuries. He began to constantly complain that I wasn't doing what I should be, i.e.: cooking proper meals, tending to the home, working, following through on things, yet at the same time, he couldn't see that the inability to do these the way I used to were symptoms of my head injury. Our relationship was deteriorating and I had serious fears that our marriage would not be able to take the strain.
In the meantime, I was constantly reminded that I needed help doing something as simple as cleaning my house or tending my chickens. My pride kept getting in my way, and it was a constant struggle to accept the help that I badly needed and was offered. Finally one day, as I was bemoaning my fate to my Relief Society President, she reminded me that giving is a two way street. It is almost always easier to give of yourself, it is much harder to receive. When I offered to give someone else a ride, take in a meal etc., I received a blessing, including the good feeling that came from doing something for someone else. When I needed help and denied someone else the opportunity to serve me, I was denying them those blessing of being able to serve. After that it was easier to accept the help, although I never become completely comfortable with it.
Those of you who are reading this and have a closed head injury will know of what I speak. Life changes - sometimes forever. The way you look at life changes and your response to it. Many lessons are learned - hard lessons - perhaps some we would rather not have to learn. Patience, acceptance, endurance, tenacity, a fighting spirit, willingness to change your way of thinking and doing, problem solving, gratitude, and perseverance are just a few of the life lessons you must learn. In the end, if we learn well, we grow stronger, more compassionate - better human beings. I can say that if I had my druthers, I would have never walked this path, but I cannot regret it either. The lessons I have learned will stay with me all of my life. It says in the scriptures that we must needs be grateful for all things. It doesn't say we should be grateful just for the things that we want and enjoy - it says for ALL things.
When I was seventeen, my boyfriend's family and mine got together for Thanksgiving. As is the case with many families we were asked to make a list of the things we were grateful for and read them to each other around the table before the meal was served. Rob and I being the age that we were had to be contrary to the end. Oh we wrote the things we were grateful for, a good meal, each other, the warm sunny day so we could escape as soon as the meal was over and do something fun etc. However, on the other side of the paper we wrote the things we weren't grateful for. Having to endure family gatherings, school, our math teacher in particular, church, rules, regulations - I think you get the picture. Years later, I read in a magazine an article that Rob wrote about thankfulness. He mentioned that Thanksgiving and our moment of rebellion. He still had that sheet of paper in his wallet. It was funny, he said, but it wasn't the things he wrote that day that he thought he was grateful for that made the difference in his life, it was what he wrote on the other side that really shaped who he was. I went digging through the box of my old papers my mother had faithfully saved for me over the years. I couldn't believe it, but there it was, my slip of grateful and ungrateful's. I too saw what Rob was talking about. It was the things that I had wished I didn't have to deal with that made me the person I was today. The other things, long ago stopped mattering and in the long run, did not make much or any difference in my life.
My journey with a closed head injury is still ongoing. Last August, we were rear-ended on the freeway and I sustained another head injury - much less serious than the first but enough to set me back a bit. I also broke my neck and had to have C4,C5 & C6 fused. I thought that the worst was over, yet here I am dealing with yet more. However, because of the broken neck, (no bones were actually broken, but the disks and ligaments were completely torn away from the bone leaving only my neck muscles and spinal cord holding my head on) I had to have surgery. The surgery has resulted in my having less pain in my neck, arms and hands than I have had since my first accident. Before the second accident, I was in constant pain, now for the first time in years, I do not need pain pills of any kind to control it. The headaches are gone, the numbness and tingling in my arms and hands, the shoulders feel almost normal and I still am wearing the neck collar! I get to see if it can be removed next week. Also, because of my new head injury, my doctor decided to try me on a new medication. Aricept is prescribed for Alzheimer's patients but there was encouraging research that it is helpful for closed head injuries too. If I had not had this second accident, I probably would never had the chance to try it. For the first time since April 1997, I can read and retain what I read. I used to be an avid reader and that was something I missed terribly. I simply couldn't concentrate long enough or remember what I had read to be able to read on a regular basis. Now I am making up for lost time. I am reading all the time now and loving it.
So you see, the second accident was a real blessing in disguise. Without it, I probably never would have had the MRI that showed the unstable neck, I never would have been put on Aricept and I would still be popping pain pills on a daily basis.
Life is sweet!
Love, Pauli
